


i wish you could see the wicked truth

by catchingtheblues



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, M/M, TW for death, There aren't always happy endings, anyway, anyway this is fic i can do whatever i want, but it's not like. that much?, i am crying thank you, i haven't read the alpha timeline shit recently, i'm tagging it as both because??? idfk i'm doing that, so much fucking angst, so!, stuck in a loop, tbh this might not be totally canon, there's some sex also, this can be VERY triggering so please! be careful!, tw for suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-14 22:26:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13017432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catchingtheblues/pseuds/catchingtheblues
Summary: Your name is Karkat Vantas. You don't know how to let people go, and that will be your downfall.The story's already written, and you can't change it, much as you try.





	i wish you could see the wicked truth

**Author's Note:**

> YOOO SO. super angsty and possibly triggering! please be careful!! don't overdo it! if you need to stop, stop. take care of yourself. tw for death and suicide.  
> title is from _the other side of paradise_ by glass animals because that is The Alpha Dave Song. (thanks andromeda! i love u!!!!!!)

Dave asks you to move in two months after you get together. It was supposed to be a quick fuck in a hot guy’s car but he asked for your number and, well. You gave it to him, not expecting him to actually use it. Dave’s typical Hollywood hot, tall and skinny, good hair, killer smile. He’s charming and smooth and you know he could talk anyone into bed and keep them there. But you know he doesn’t, usually. You’ve seen the stories of heartbroken actors and actresses who wanted more than a one-night stand from Dave, and nobody got it.

Except you.

You don’t know what it is. You’ve asked him, a few times. Sometimes he slaps your ass and says it’s too good to let go. Other times he kisses you. Once he just smiles and shrugs. “You’re just you.” And that doesn’t answer the fucking question, but whatever.

The two of you spend long days in bed together, almost every day you don’t have work. You work grueling shifts at Starbucks to keep yourself in a postage stamp-sized room on the shitty side of LA. And then Dave comes along, and you end up spending half the week at his penthouse apartment, because he’s stupid and rich.

He asks you to move in with him about ten minutes after you’ve fucked and while you’re sprawled out on his bed, still panting a little. You stammer and stutter and swear for a solid minute while he lies on his side and smiles at you with a shit-eating grin.

“Fuck you,” you spit eventually.

“You already did that today, babe.” You make a horrible, unattractive sound, and he laughs. You sputter and he pulls you in to kiss you. “Move in with me,” he murmurs. “Quit your shitty job, let me take care of you.”

“And—and what, you’re my sugar daddy?”

He makes a face. “Please never call me that again. Just let me take care of you, sweetheart.” Pet names, again. He knows that you’re weak for them. Motherfucker. “If you want to. If you’d rather keep your shitty apartment and your shittier job, that’s up to you.” He leans over to mouth at your neck, sucking on an old hickey to get it darker. “I just wanna spend more time with you.”

That shouldn’t make you feel shaky. That shouldn’t affect you. But the truth is, it’s not just sex. You cook food for him (Mexican food, that’s all you can cook) and he listens to you rant and you care about each other. He’s never said it out loud but you can read between the lines. It’s strange for you, and definitely for him. You’ve never been in a relationship that lasted longer than two weeks, and you don’t think he’s _ever_ been in one.

“Okay,” you manage. “Okay.”

He smiles against your skin and then gets up to call a friend to rent a truck for your things.

It’s not much. You have a couple bags of clothes, your computer, a box of books and movies. The furniture’s all shit so you just leave it. After you pack, before you can bring things downstairs, Dave pushes you against the door and kisses you, hard.

“Dave,” you murmur. “Dave, my roommate is _right there_.”

“Then you better be quiet, babe.” He shoves your shirt up and bites down your torso, takes your dick out of your pants and uses every dirty trick he knows to send you toward the edge as fast as possible. He doesn’t tease, he doesn’t mess around, just swallows you down and moans when you pull at his hair. You cover your mouth with your hand to try to muffle the sounds.

You come and he keeps sucking until you shove him away.

“I hate you,” you say breathlessly. “I fucking hate you.”

He smiles up at you, wiping his mouth. “No, you don’t.” And you don’t, goddamn. This man’s gonna be the death of you. He rises to his feet gracefully, kisses your cheek. “Someone’s made quite a mess of you, babe. Better clean yourself up, we’ve got stuff to do.”

You lean back against the door for a second before you get yourself together and fix yourself up. You can’t do anything about your flushed cheeks but you take a minute to get your breathing back to normal. Dave helps you bring things downstairs and despite being a skinny fuck, he’s actually got some decent upper arm strength. You mention this and he pretends to be offended.

“I’ve been practicing swordsmanship for years! This is all _lean muscle_ , Karkitty. How could you say such terrible things? You wound me.”

“Be wounded, you twig.”

Dave gasps. “I can’t believe you.”

Eventually you get all your shit downstairs in the truck and he drives you back to his place. The doorman helps you get everything into the elevator and you head up.

“You’re gonna meet Rose,” he muses, laughing a little. “That’ll be fun.”

“She’s your sister, right? Doesn’t she live in New York or something?”

“Yeah, she does. But she’s coming down to visit soon, says she has something to tell me.” He shrugs. “She’s heard a lot about you,” he teases. “She’ll psychoanalyze the hell out of you, and then me, for dating you, and then you again, for dating me. And then she’ll make passive aggressive comments about how you’re so much younger and how healthy her future relationships will be, blah blah. That’s just how she is.”

“I’m twenty-five. You’re only thirty.”

“Rose doesn’t give a single fuck. She’s gonna say me dating younger is me wanting my youth back or something.” The elevator arrives and he starts dragging stuff out. “Rose is wild.”

“Can’t wait,” you deadpan. He sticks his tongue out at you, very maturely, and you help him put your things away. You have a dresser in his room and a bookshelf in the living room for everything else. He has this ridiculous futon in the living room that you sprawl out on while he orders food. He doesn’t eat anything home cooked unless you make it for him, because he doesn’t know how to function like a real adult.

You can appreciate it, after years of beans and rice for pretty much every meal. But you’re pretty sure the grease going to kill you at some point.

So you eat pizza with him and have slow, lazy sex on the futon. You shower with your eyes half-closed and he has to guide you through most of it. He takes you to bed and you try to mumble out thanks but it doesn’t come out right. He chuckles and kisses your shoulder.

“Go to sleep.” So you do.

x

A month later, Rose comes, and you go with Dave to pick her up from the airport.

She’s pretty similar to what you expected. After Dave hugs her and steps back, you get a good look at her. She’s tall and all soft curves, sharp eyes. She and Dave are both black, but you’re darker than both of them. Rose is shorter than Dave but she’s still a head taller than you. She’s wearing black lipstick and she smiles a little, but you can tell from her bloodshot eyes that she’s been crying.

She still eyes you critically. “So you’re Karkat.”

“So you’re Rose.” She almost laughs.

“Dave’s told me a lot about you. He says you’re a bit... abrasive.” You turn to Dave and raise an eyebrow.

“And I say he’s a bit of an asshole, but to each their own. He said you’ll psychoanalyze us, feel free to start at any time.”

She looks sad. “Not this time. I have a lot to discuss with Dave. And you, after I’m done with him. But let’s go have lunch, save the serious conversation for tonight. I think Thai food sounds good.”

Dave nods and herds you two out to the car. You eat lunch and you can feel the tension the whole time. Dave’s joking and laughing, but he’s worried. Rose is somber, trying to be lighthearted, but it’s not quite working. Whenever the conversation falls you pick it right back up and ramble about horrible customers or bad habits Dave has, anything to keep the awkwardness away.

When you go back to your place, Dave takes Rose into his room and talks with her. You turn on the TV and try not to listen but Dave starts shouting and Rose yells right back, so you abscond, heading down to the lobby and walking outside.

It’s almost winter, but this is LA, A.K.A. hell, so it’s not cold. You visited family up in New England, you know cold.

You wait outside for a long time. Eventually, Dave comes outside and sits next to you on the bench that you’ve claimed. His mouth is set in a thin line and he looks pissed. You’ve never seen him like this.

“What happened?” You ask quietly.

He exhales. “Bad things are gonna happen. And there’s no way to stop them. But Rose has known about this for months and she just dropped it on me now. Like hey, when’s the absolute worst time to drop some bad news on you? That sounds great.” He runs a hand through his hair, deflates a little. “I’m not really mad at her. I just… I don’t want these things to happen. And I can’t really tell you, I’m sorry.”

You frown. “Why not?”

He shakes his head. “Stupid shit about how it’s going to go down. If I tell you, things go worse. Rose knows what to say. She’s waiting for you. And, uh.” He turns to face you and kisses you suddenly, harsh and desperate. You’re surprised for a moment before it kicks in and you’re able to respond.

Dave pulls away and you can see a tear rolling down his cheek.

“Go talk to her,” he says softly. “I’ll be up in a little bit.”

You want to stay, but you listen to him, heading back in the building and going up in the elevator. Rose is sitting on the couch, ankles crossed, posture perfect.

“Karkat. I’ll try to make this brief. I can see the future, and Dave is going to die, as am I. The world is going to end. You technically aren’t supposed to exist in this world, but you do, and you need to be very careful of what you do, because you’re a wild card. And an unfair one, at that. But then again…” She pauses. “I’d give the world for her to not go through this.” Who the fuck is she talking about? “Maybe I already did. But you? You can change things. Every time you do, it will loop back. Don’t try to stop Dave. Or, at least, know that it’s going to happen eventually. You can’t stop it forever.”

You stare at her for a long moment, and then.

“Are you fucking crazy?”

She sighs. “I wish I was. Dave believes me, and he trusts me entirely. He knows what needs to be done, and he will carry out his destiny. Don’t worry, you’ll see him in another life. Seems you two always end up together.” Her smile is bitter and you don’t know how to respond to this. “You don’t need to do anything, or say anything. It’s inevitable. I’m sorry, Karkat. And when you start looping, the only way out is to accept it.”

“What in the absolute fuck are you talking about?”

“You’ll see. I need to go. I’m needed back in New York. I’ll see myself out.” She stands and hesitates by you. “I’m really sorry, Karkat.”

You just stare at her, and she leaves. You go sit on the couch and Dave comes up a while later, sits next to you and just holds you.

“So you believe her?” You ask warily.

“Yeah. Rose is a lot of things, but she’s not a liar, and she’s not delusional or anything. She used to see things when we were younger, little pieces of our future. And she’s been right. She told me about you, actually.” He smiles a little. “Said you were gonna break my heart, but it would be worth it.”

You still can’t comprehend any of this. “And you’re just okay with _dying_? That’s what she said would happen! If she hasn’t lost her mind and she really _sees things_ , this means you die, I die, everybody fucking dies. _The world ends_. How the fuck is this okay?”

Dave just holds you tighter. “If I don’t die, it’s worse. The world ends here, but there’s a new one later. I have a little brother,” he says, laughs wetly. “He’s gonna make a new universe.”

You push him away. “You sound absolutely insane right now.”

He shrugs. “Yeah. I know. But hey. Tomorrow, you’re going to get the Amazon package you ordered. It’s supposed to be a Blu-Ray copy of the romcom I forgot the name of, but it’ll be regular DVD. When you call, they’ll apologize and call you Karkay. Rose told me to tell you that. The future’s inevitable.”

You shake your head. “I’m going to bed.”

“I’ll be in later, don’t wait up.”

And you sleep. Hours later, you stir when Dave slides in next to you, but you don’t say anything, you just drift off again.

In the morning, the package arrives. It’s a regular DVD. When you call, the guy says, “Sorry, Mr. Vantas. May I call you Karkay? We'll replace it as soon as possible.” You just hang up.

Dave’s still asleep and you march in furiously, tears in your eyes, shaking him awake. “When does everything happen?”

He blinks blearily for a moment. “When does—? Oh. A week and a half from now, I get on a plane to DC. And uh.” He sits up. “Fin. The end. Dave Strider exits stage right.” He smiles at you, but it’s not happy. He looks… broken.

“Can’t we change it?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. If we fuck it up, the whole universe gets ruined. It’ll just keep looping until we do it right. Don’t… don’t worry, okay? You just gotta let it happen.”

You shake your head furiously. “No, _fuck you_. I’m not just gonna let this happen. I can fix this, I can… I can do something.”

Dave pulls you down to kiss you. “It’s gonna be okay. Just… look, it’s going to happen, no matter what. We all die in this story. But if we play our parts, there’s a chance for people later on. I’m sorry, Karkat. Don't cry. I’m so sorry.”

You didn’t even realize you were crying.

x

Dave spends a lot of time on the phone for a couple days. “Setting up an apartment for my little brother,” he explains to you, covering the speaker. “I’ll be done soon.”

You have increasingly desperate sex that usually ends in tears, because you don’t want to let go of this. It wasn’t even supposed to be this way, it was supposed to be a quick fuck but you’re here and you lo—

No.

He touches you, all the time. Before you had touched, of course, but now it’s like you can’t stop. Rose calls the night before he’s supposed to leave, and she asks to talk to you.

“Six times. I know you aren’t going to listen but you’ll let him go eventually. This is the only way it goes, Karkat. You’ll see that soon enough. Give the phone back to Dave.” You do, numbly.

Six times what? You won’t let him go. You refuse.

After Dave hangs up you say, “Take me with you. When you go to DC.” You sound so fucking _desperate_ , it’s pathetic, but you don’t care.

Dave swallows roughly. “Yeah, okay.”

“You’re not going to fight it?”

“Rose told me this would happen. I might as well just go along with you.”

“She told you _what_ would happen?” You’re so _angry_ , this isn’t fair. None of this is fucking fair.

“You try to stop it.”

“Of course I’m trying to stop it! I don’t understand why you aren’t! Do you _want_ to die, Dave?”

“No, of course not. But this is what has to happen. I don’t have a choice, Karkat,” he snaps. Then he sighs, and he sounds so tired. “I’m sorry. But I don’t.”

“You’re just giving up.”

Dave doesn’t fight back. He just lays back on the futon. “Do you really wanna spend the last night like this?”

That makes you pause. “No.”

“It’s gonna be okay.”

“No, it’s not,” you say, and you can’t help yourself, you start sobbing, big, ugly, wet sobs that are torn out of your chest. Dave just holds you through it and you end up falling asleep there on the futon.

x

You startle awake when Dave’s alarm goes off, three hours before the plane is scheduled to leave.

You shower, you make out but you’re both crying so you can’t go any further. Dave only takes a katana. “That’s all I need, babe.” He smiles at you and you can’t stop shaking. You hold his hand and you don’t let it go unless you have to.

The car ride is silent, and neither of you can speak through the airport. You aren’t crying anymore, you’re just tired, you’re fucking exhausted. You board the plane and you have to let go of him for a second because you can’t fucking breathe. People probably think you’re just nervous to be on a plane.

The plane takes off and you grip the armrest, because you’ll break his hand if you hold it now.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. “It’s okay.”

You get up as soon as you’re allowed to and go hide in the bathroom. You don’t know what to do. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, you were supposed to feel like you were protecting Dave, or at the very fucking least, staying with him until the end. It just feels like you’re allowing all of this to happen. Like you gave up.

Maybe in DC you can—

The plane shakes. You’ve never been on a plane before, but Dave warned you about turbulence.

Turbulence is not a horrible sound, metal screeching. Turbulence is not a flash of red and the plane ripping apart. Turbulence is not a sudden free fall. You throw yourself out the door while people scream and you’re screaming too, and you can’t hear Dave but—

“Dave! I lo—”

x

You startle awake when Dave’s alarm goes off, three hours before the plane is scheduled to leave. You’re crying as soon as you wake up. Dave is holding you and apologizing.

“Which one are you on?”

“What do you mean?” You ask, sniffling.

“How many times has it happened?” He clarifies.

“I—once. H—how many times does it happen?”

Dave smiles bitterly. “Rose told you. Six times.” And you start sobbing again, you can’t breathe. “I’m sorry. You can stop now, you can let me go.”

“ _No._ I can’t, I need to…” You’re already feeling hopeless.

“It’s okay. Look, I’ll stay this time. We can spend another day together.” He presses a kiss to your jaw. “It’ll just happen again. I won’t remember it, but you will.”

So you nod and you spend another day together. You become numb at some point, and the tears stop flowing. There’s nothing left in you.

You stay close. You eat food and you watch your favorite movie, and you fall asleep together. Just as you’re drifting off you remember.

“D’ve… I lo…” But you’re out before you can finish.

x

You startle awake twenty minutes before the alarm goes off, three hours before the plane is scheduled to leave. You hate yourself, but you unlock his phone and you turn the alarm off. One more day, you tell yourself. Just one more.

When he wakes up hours later he sees the time and freezes. “My—the alarm didn’t go off! Oh _fuck_ , oh god.” He’s scrambling out of bed and dialing someone on the phone but they don’t answer. You watch him with wide eyes.

“Rose… she’s dead. I… I wasn’t there.” He sits back on the bed and has to cover his mouth while he sobs. “I wasn’t there, I was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be with her.”

“Dave, it’s okay—”

“No! It’s not okay! I’m supposed to be _dead_! And I get to fucking wake up tomorrow and do the same fucking thing! This doesn’t even _matter_. Nothing fucking matters.” He runs a hand through his hair. “She’s dead and it’s my fault.” He stops, everything stops for a moment.

Then Dave gets up, and he walks out on the balcony. You follow, but you’re not fast enough. You think he’s just going to look out but he climbs onto the ledge.

“Dave. Dave, please. Don’t do this. I lo—”

“Shhh. It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And he falls.

x

You startle awake when Dave’s alarm goes off, three hours before the plane is scheduled to leave. You aren’t crying this time. You wait until he gets into the shower and you shove your shoes on and you leave. You run, like a fucking coward. You can’t do this again.

Maybe this is it. But—Rose said six times. This is only the fourth.

She was wrong, you tell yourself.

You left your phone in the apartment and you hope Dave doesn’t hate you. You hope he goes and changes the world. You know he will. He’s Dave fucking Strider. This is just what he does.

And you end up at the Starbucks you had worked at. Your old coworkers give you coffee and you curl up in a corner booth, and you watch the news on the little TV in the corner.

While you sit there, you begin to hate yourself more and more. You left him. You left Dave, on his last day on earth. You’re a goddamn monster. Not all these bullshit villains that Rose talked about. It’s _you_.

After a few hours, you go back to the apartment. You head up in the elevator and you think you might throw yourself off of the fucking balcony.

Dave is there, on the fucking ugly futon that you hate, and he jumps when you come in and practically tackles you in a hug.

“Karkat, oh god. Are you okay? You were just _gone_.”

“Dave? Dave, you’re supposed to be in DC—”

“What’s one more loop?” He says, pulling back to smile crookedly at you. “Are you okay? What happened?”

You feel your cheeks burn in shame. “I fucked up. I… Yesterday I turned your alarm off, so you wouldn’t leave. And you… you killed yourself.”

Dave hugs you again. “I forgive you,” he breathes out. “It’s okay.”

The whole world shudders and things start shaking. You’ve never dealt with an earthquake before, but this isn’t right. The whole building is falling apart. It tilts and you hit the floor, scrambling for a grip on something.

“Fuck! Dave! I—I lo—” The futon slides across the floor and comes down right on your head.

x

You startle awake when Dave’s alarm goes off, three hours before the plane is scheduled to leave. You’re fucking furious and you hate yourself so goddamn deeply. You can’t get yourself to say it until you’re right on the fucking edge and what good is that going to do you? What good is any of this doing you? What’s the point of loving someone who’s going to die in a few hours?

You wish you could stop yourself from having feelings.

Dave kisses your shoulder and you make a decision. You push him away, too harsh, and you run out the glass door and you throw yourself over the balcony.

You don’t even try to say it this time.

x

You startle awake when Dave’s alarm goes off, three hours before the plane is scheduled to leave. And this time you’re crying again. You blubber to Dave what you’ve done and he holds you.

“How many is this?”

“This is the sixth,” you tell him, swallowing roughly.

He laughs a little. “Sixth time’s the charm. What are you gonna do today?”

“Nothing. I can’t do anything. I… I’ve fucked it up enough.”

Dave kisses you, soft and impossibly sweet. “Drive me to the airport, let’s say goodbye. We’re gonna do good this time, babe.”

You have tears in your eyes but you nod. “Yeah.”

So you shower, you get ready. You drive one of his stupidly expensive cars to the airport and you follow him in as far as you can. You’re shaking again. You’ve got a lump in your throat that’s making it hard to breathe and you can’t think, you can’t do anything.

Dave kisses you one more time. “Catch you on the flip side, Karkat.”

 _Say it. Say it, you stupid fucking idiot. You dumb asshole. This is it. This is your only chance._ You close your eyes for a moment and breathe.

“See you in another life,” you tell him. _You’re such a fucking idiot._

He walks off.

You go home, and you putter around. Eventually you end up on the stupid fucking futon. You start to panic because you never told Dave. Did he know? Is he going to die not knowing?

Fuck. _Fuck_.

Even though he’s still in the air, maybe you can leave a message. You call him and it rings for ages before it tells you that the mailbox is full. You throw your phone on the ground and you punch the wall as hard as you can. It fucking _hurts_ and you’re crying all over again.

“I love you, I’m sorry,” you tell his apartment. “I’m so fucking stupid. I was too scared to love you and look where I ended up. I’ll do better. Next life. I’ll see you again and I’ll do better.” You’re crying and you can barely breathe.

Dave is going to die, and you never told him you loved him because you’re a fucking coward. You never told him and now you never can. He’s off to go die in DC and make a name for himself and you’re still as insignificant as ever. Nobody will remember you. You’re just another idiot who died on this planet.

After you’ve cried yourself out and you’re sitting there numbly, you get a text message.

[ _ily._ ]

You scramble to text back.

[ _I love you I’m sorry I love you_ ]

He never responds.

**Author's Note:**

> me n my moirail, andromeda, we talk about how fucked up alpha dave's life is, a lot. and how if he doesn't choose to die, he ends the world.  
> hmu on [tumblr](http://jacktheprince.tumblr.com/) to talk about angst, i love crying w people lmao  
> and hey. in the next universe, they're together, and they're happy.  
> if u have requests or prompts holla at me on tumblr!! next fic is gonna be hella fluffy i promise.  
> also fun fact! i said "fuck" 43 times in this fic, and once in the tags. Incredible. Go me.


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